I'm an idoit

Over the last few days I have come to the realization that I am an idiot. See, there was this party... you know it can't be good when it starts out like that. At this party there was a lot of food, a lot of people - some I knew and some I didn't - and a lot of alcohol.

Things would have been okay if I had just left when I originally wanted to, but I listened to friends - "Just one more hour, Crystal. Just one more shot, Crystal." That was my first mistake. The second mistake was that instead of just one more hour and one more shot, I stayed for four more hours and 16 shots.

I could laugh and say that was when I got stupid, but that wasn't when I got stupid. I got stupid when I decided to stay. I got stupid when I took that next shot. See, I'm not a big drinker. I may have ONE drink or A beer if my hubby and I go out to eat or to a bar, but that is it. The last time I got trashed was last Halloween (at a party with most of the same people). I was incredibly ashamed of myself that time because I HATE not being in total control of myself. Too many years of being not in control and being controlled. So, I swore I wouldn't do it again.

What did I do? I did it again. This time though, I embarrassed myself. I freaking cried at one point and I am so not that girl. You know which girl I am talking about - the one that by 11:00 is sitting in the middle of the floor bawling her eyes out because some guy wouldn't dance with her, mascara running down her face and a beer in both hands. I hate that girl, but I sat and had a serious conversation with two wonderful friends while we were all pretty much plowed and I ended up sitting in the middle of the floor, bawling with a beer in my hand.

I can get past that. Seriously. The part I can't get past is that I told my friends things that I don't tell anyone. Things I don't necessarily want people to know, and I know they will now. I can't get past that. Somehow, I managed to keep all my clothes on when others didn't. I managed get away from the really scary guy that grabbed my boob and tried to slip me the tongue. But I also managed to tell people things that give them the power to hurt me.

I cried most of the rest of the weekend...it's hard to take when you realize you have made a complete fool out of yourself. I embarrassed myself in front of two of my wonderful friends and I can't bring myself to call them or email them. This sucks!

Don't get me wrong, hubby was there with me the whole time. He didn't have just a great time. He doesn't really drink either, so a drunk party isn't usually either or our things. He swears I didn't get too stupid (I remember everything, so I know I got pretty stupid), and that I didn't do anything I need to regret, but I do. I regret talking about things that are extremely important, things no one needs to know about and things that give people the power to hurt me.

Officially, I'm over the whole drinking thing. I doubt this will be a problem again, because I won't let it. If that means I just can't go to the parties anymore, then that is what I have to do. Life is too important to waste it feeling stupid and out of control.

Two Line Tuesday

I am stealing this from Travis, but it seems like such a good thing to do. So, here we go.

The two lines I recently read are from Carly Phillips Hot Property:

Ben hated sleeping on a friend's couch. He hated feeling like a loser who couldn't hold a job or make a go at any career he started.

The last two lines I wrote are an addition to page 2 of my manuscript Broken Rules:

"Go change your clothes, you nasty little bastard." His breath reaked of cigarettes, garlic and vodka.

Happy Tuesday everybody!

I'm writing again!

Karin sent me this a long time ago and it is one of the best writing quotes I think I have ever come across. It is usually the background on my computer either at work or at home.

It has been weeks...okay probably months since the last time I wrote something new. Last night I wrote four complete new chapters. It was great. I even talked hubby into reading the two newest ones and he liked them. Please excuse me for a moment while I go in the corner and do my happy dance .

I not only have an amazing critique partner, but now I have a fantastic reader. She owns a book store, so you know she is a rabid reader. She's caught things that Karin and I haven't in the million and one times that we've read it. Things I never would have thought about.

Only a few thousand more words to get out and the book will be done. The thing is, though, I've already started on another one. I know that is a dumb idea, but the characters wouldn't leave me alone until I atleast plotted out their story. So the outline is done and the first couple chapters are written.

The Dark Knight

I saw the new Batman movie today. I'm sad to say that I wasn't impressed. EVERYONE I know loves the movie and a lot have seen it multiple times. Maybe my expectations were too high, I don't know, but I was bored. Within 15 minutes of the start of the movie, I was ready to go. Seriously, I freaking fell asleep!
To all of the Batman fans out there, I hope you enjoyed it. Hubby loved it. Friends all loved it. Me, maybe I'm just a freak, but I was bored. Not a movie I am going to rush out and buy when it comes out. (Who am I kidding, Hubby will have to have it, so I will probably have to rush out and buy it the day it comes out and then hide it until his birthday or Christmas or something.)
Hope everyone had a great weekend! Talk to you soon!

Teenage Angst

I was digging through all my old writing and found my secret cache of poetry. I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe. Why is it, when we are somewhere between 13 and 17, EVERYTHING is horrible, no one will ever love us the way we deserve, and sex is a huge thing?

Karin jokes that I should write porn. I'm pretty proud to say that I can write a hell of a love scene. While reading all of my old angst filled (read really bad) poetry I came across some, and realized that even as a teenager I wrote porn. It's kinda surprising to stumble across some of my more... graphic descriptions. What is even more surprising is that I was very inexperienced when I wrote them.

This one made me smile at the memories it brought back. Everyone please hide your laughter until I am out of the room. Read this stupid poem, and we won't ever talk about it again, okay? So, here is my tribute to the horrible life teenagers believe they have.

Always Remember

We talk alone each night
With no one there to hold us.
The days stretch endlessly,
As the time draws close
For us to speak again.
Our time is short and precious
Minutes snatched from greedy hands.
Our worlds as separate as night and day
Yet as perfectly similar as dawn and dusk.
Though miles separate us
But a connection will forever bind us
I know deep in my heart.
Sometimes I feel so alone,
But then we talk and things are somehow better.
You brighten my mood without even trying
You bring a laugh to my heart
And a smile to my face.
The simple things you do,
I treasure deep inside.
The sweet names you call me
Make my heart melt and my knees weak.
Your words thaw the ice from my veins.
And bring warmth to my lonely soul.
I wish you knew how good it feels.
To have you say sweet things.
I love our chats our letters our visits.
And I hope someday you may even care.
I’ll be here when you need me.
To help and comfort and calm your fears.
I’m here to spread laughter and brighten your smile.
Always remember that.
Always remember us.

Okay, lets all go and get a margarita now, and bitch about real life!

A to Z All About Me

A-Attached or Single? Very Attached!

B-Best Friend? Rusty and Karin

C-Cake or Pie? Pie. Cake is gross!

D-Day of Choice? Saturdays. Usually the day I don't have to do anything.

E-Essential Items? A book to read.

F-Favorite Color? Dark blue.

G-Gummy Bears or Worms? definately worms

H-Hometown? Amarillo, Texas. But I was born in Memphis, TX

I-Indulgence? Books. I am addicted

J-January or July? January. July is WAY too hot!

K-Kids? none yet

L-Life isn’t complete without… Love

M-Marriage Date? December 22,2001

N-Number of Siblings? Two brothers.

O-Oranges or Apples? Apples

P-Phobias or Fears? Clowns... eeesh (I'm so glad I'm not the only one!)

Q-Quote? Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

R-Reason to Smile? I'm alive, I have a wonderful, supportive husband, an awesome family and great friends. Can't get much better than that!

S-Superman or Wonder Woman? Wonder Woman!!!!Girls kick ass!

T-Tag 5 people. I don't know 5 people to tag.

U- Umbrella or poncho? Neither. I love the rain.

V-Vegetables? Yum

W-Worst Habit? I smoke. Everyone hates it, including me, but I am working on that problem too.

X-Ray or Ultrasound? Neither.

Y-Your Favorite Food? Grilled cheese (sad but true)

Z-Zodiac Sign? Gemini

I stole this from Karin Huddleston huddlekay.blogspot.com go see her, she's awesome!

Making myself write

So, at the conference, one thing I kept hearing over and over and over was "write every day."

Guess what I haven't been doing....

I absolutely know I need to write more, but I always have all of these really bad excuses. I don't want to look at a computer anymore today... I have to cook dinner... I'm tired... There's a show on TV that I really want to watch... Stupid TV. I took the time to notice last night, even when my critique partner and I are "working" we are watching TV, how bad is that? Or, we are playing with her baby, or conversing with friends, relatives, spouses. And once I realized this, I almost cried. She (my critique partner) is one of the most valuable people in my life right now, and here I am wasting her time. I do have to say, before we got too sidetracked she was able to help me edit down an article I have due tomorrow, but then, we both just quit.

She was asked to join another critique group, and I hope it works out for her. I don't seem to be doing her any good at all. She does wonders for me, but what do I do?

Anyway, hopefully I have the will power to let my husband watch TV while I go in our office and write my little heart out. I promise myself, and my friend, I will write everyday. Maybe not on here, maybe not on my book, but somewhere. I have to. It is too important for me to just let it go.