Tuesday, September 23, 2008

It's Tuesday

Amazingly, I remembered it is Tuesday. So, here are two lines from the book I am reading right now, Touch of Darkness by Christina Dodd:

Guilt hung on him like mourning clothes. Regret choked him like a noose.

And the last two lines I wrote:

"Son of a bitch has a rabbit hole."
"So... how are you going to smoke him out?"

I'm having some commitment issues (read: fear) of finishing this book. It has taken on a life of its own and really doesn't want to go where I want it to go. So, looks like I will be barricading myself in a small room and finishing the freaking thing this weekend. If not, I may have to put it in a box, shove it under the bed and forget about it for the next six months and start a new project. It is really making me insane right now! Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Citizen's Police Academy

Two posts in one day? Will wonders never cease!

I have to tell everyone about this AWESOME class that I am taking. It is the Amarillo Citizens Police Academy. Last night was the first class and I was so pumped after I got home that I couldn't go to sleep for hours.

I called the police department a few weeks ago asking to see if Amarillo offers a ride along program. They do and they don't. You can't go on a ride along unless you are A.) a recruit, B.) taking criminal justice classes, or C.) are taking or have taken the Citizen's Police Academy. So where do I sign, right?

I had to apply for the program and was notified that I had been accepted. The knowledge I am going to get from this class is going to fuel my writing for quite a while, I can tell. Now for the really cool part... ready?

We get to tour all of the restricted places - jail, 911 call center, bomb squad. We get demonstrations by the K-9 division and the dive team. We will do fingerprinting and evidence gathering with CSI. We get to catch speeders with radar guns, hang out with Narcotics and SWAT, the gang unit and special crimes. We get to go shoot guns with them, get tazed (or not) and we get to do something called simmunitions. We go into "scenes" geared up and have to handle it like we would if we were an officer and we will be "armed". Wax bullets... hostage negotiations...two minutes of terror...and a full 5 second ride with the tazer.

I'm going to have so much to write about. I giggle with glee... he he! My only nervousness comes from the decision to be tazed or not. I'm not a wus, but a full five seconds of 40,000 volts makes me want to pee my pants. I haven't decided yet if I am that brave!

I'm an idoit

Over the last few days I have come to the realization that I am an idiot. See, there was this party... you know it can't be good when it starts out like that. At this party there was a lot of food, a lot of people - some I knew and some I didn't - and a lot of alcohol.

Things would have been okay if I had just left when I originally wanted to, but I listened to friends - "Just one more hour, Crystal. Just one more shot, Crystal." That was my first mistake. The second mistake was that instead of just one more hour and one more shot, I stayed for four more hours and 16 shots.

I could laugh and say that was when I got stupid, but that wasn't when I got stupid. I got stupid when I decided to stay. I got stupid when I took that next shot. See, I'm not a big drinker. I may have ONE drink or A beer if my hubby and I go out to eat or to a bar, but that is it. The last time I got trashed was last Halloween (at a party with most of the same people). I was incredibly ashamed of myself that time because I HATE not being in total control of myself. Too many years of being not in control and being controlled. So, I swore I wouldn't do it again.

What did I do? I did it again. This time though, I embarrassed myself. I freaking cried at one point and I am so not that girl. You know which girl I am talking about - the one that by 11:00 is sitting in the middle of the floor bawling her eyes out because some guy wouldn't dance with her, mascara running down her face and a beer in both hands. I hate that girl, but I sat and had a serious conversation with two wonderful friends while we were all pretty much plowed and I ended up sitting in the middle of the floor, bawling with a beer in my hand.

I can get past that. Seriously. The part I can't get past is that I told my friends things that I don't tell anyone. Things I don't necessarily want people to know, and I know they will now. I can't get past that. Somehow, I managed to keep all my clothes on when others didn't. I managed get away from the really scary guy that grabbed my boob and tried to slip me the tongue. But I also managed to tell people things that give them the power to hurt me.

I cried most of the rest of the weekend...it's hard to take when you realize you have made a complete fool out of yourself. I embarrassed myself in front of two of my wonderful friends and I can't bring myself to call them or email them. This sucks!

Don't get me wrong, hubby was there with me the whole time. He didn't have just a great time. He doesn't really drink either, so a drunk party isn't usually either or our things. He swears I didn't get too stupid (I remember everything, so I know I got pretty stupid), and that I didn't do anything I need to regret, but I do. I regret talking about things that are extremely important, things no one needs to know about and things that give people the power to hurt me.

Officially, I'm over the whole drinking thing. I doubt this will be a problem again, because I won't let it. If that means I just can't go to the parties anymore, then that is what I have to do. Life is too important to waste it feeling stupid and out of control.