Over the last few days I have come to the realization that I am an idiot. See, there was this party... you know it can't be good when it starts out like that. At this party there was a lot of food, a lot of people - some I knew and some I didn't - and a lot of alcohol.
Things would have been okay if I had just left when I originally wanted to, but I listened to friends - "Just one more hour, Crystal. Just one more shot, Crystal." That was my first mistake. The second mistake was that instead of just one more hour and one more shot, I stayed for four more hours and 16 shots.
I could laugh and say that was when I got stupid, but that wasn't when I got stupid. I got stupid when I decided to stay. I got stupid when I took that next shot. See, I'm not a big drinker. I may have ONE drink or A beer if my hubby and I go out to eat or to a bar, but that is it. The last time I got trashed was last Halloween (at a party with most of the same people). I was incredibly ashamed of myself that time because I HATE not being in total control of myself. Too many years of being not in control and being controlled. So, I swore I wouldn't do it again.
What did I do? I did it again. This time though, I embarrassed myself. I freaking cried at one point and I am so not that girl. You know which girl I am talking about - the one that by 11:00 is sitting in the middle of the floor bawling her eyes out because some guy wouldn't dance with her, mascara running down her face and a beer in both hands. I hate that girl, but I sat and had a serious conversation with two wonderful friends while we were all pretty much plowed and I ended up sitting in the middle of the floor, bawling with a beer in my hand.
I can get past that. Seriously. The part I can't get past is that I told my friends things that I don't tell anyone. Things I don't necessarily want people to know, and I know they will now. I can't get past that. Somehow, I managed to keep all my clothes on when others didn't. I managed get away from the really scary guy that grabbed my boob and tried to slip me the tongue. But I also managed to tell people things that give them the power to hurt me.
I cried most of the rest of the weekend...it's hard to take when you realize you have made a complete fool out of yourself. I embarrassed myself in front of two of my wonderful friends and I can't bring myself to call them or email them. This sucks!
Don't get me wrong, hubby was there with me the whole time. He didn't have just a great time. He doesn't really drink either, so a drunk party isn't usually either or our things. He swears I didn't get too stupid (I remember everything, so I know I got pretty stupid), and that I didn't do anything I need to regret, but I do. I regret talking about things that are extremely important, things no one needs to know about and things that give people the power to hurt me.
Officially, I'm over the whole drinking thing. I doubt this will be a problem again, because I won't let it. If that means I just can't go to the parties anymore, then that is what I have to do. Life is too important to waste it feeling stupid and out of control.