I've got the Blues

I don’t know if it is the medicine I’m on, all the stress I’m under, or just my own horrible self esteem, but the last few days have been terrible.

I never really realized how much I did smile before I lost it. It actually makes my heart hurt that I can’t smile at my best friend when she is trying to cheer me up, or my amazing husband who tells me I’m beautiful even though right now I feel like a monster.

People have been making fun. That is hard for me. I try to ignore it and laugh along, but it is so hard. People I care about and/or respect telling me I need a Phantom of the Opera mask makes me want to go home, crawl in bed and never come out. I know in my head that I need to be stronger than that, but I can’t get the rest of me to agree.

I was kind of excited because I lost 12 pounds the first weekend. Couldn’t keep food in my mouth, so there wasn’t much eating happening. The doctor put me on high dose steroids, so I have gained it all back and then some. That helps me in no way at all.

I got my new car finally. That should have relieved some of the stress. Should have. It is newer, WAY less miles and the payments are about $50 less a month. So, why don’t I feel better? I love it, but it isn’t my Charger. It doesn’t growl when I start it, it doesn’t have custom rims, blacked out windows or ride like a sports car. Oh, well. Instead of the pimp wagon, I now have a tank. Hubby swears when the next 13 year old runs a stop light that I will win, not the Ford Explorer they are driving.

Don’t get me wrong. I got a Dodge Nitro and it is way cool. It has everything I could ask for and then some.

Last night was probably the worst. I’d had a long day, not a particularly bad one, except that I was feeling really bad about everything. Then I went to critique. Not a great idea when you are that depressed. Everything any of them said felt like a personal attack, even though I knew it wasn’t. I got home, Karin left, and my poor hubby got to hear me vent, after I told him I was “fine” about 5,000 times.

He finally grabbed me up in a big hug, gave me a sweet kiss on the forehead and made me look at him. Really look at him. Not duck my head to keep him from seeing me, not look away so that side of me is hidden. No, he made me face him and look him in the eyes. He told me I wasn’t fine, and he knew it. He told me that even if the paralysis never goes away he will love me. And he told me that no matter what I look like, no matter what I weigh, he still thinks I am beautiful inside and out.

This is the man that knows my heart. He knows how to fix what’s wrong with me with almost no words. I’m scared to death to see Karin’s baby. What if my “smile” scares him? Hubby said the baby will smile and laugh and let me hold him any way. Because that’s how babies are. They don’t care how you look. They love you no matter.

Then, he kissed me on my horribly useless mouth, held me close and whispered those little nonsense words into my hair and just let me cry. He just let me cry. No one in my life has ever just let me cry. For as long as I can remember I have had to be the strong one. Hold it together while everything and everyone else falls apart.

He let me fall apart. I thank God that he let me, even though I was horribly embarrassed afterwards. When my doubts are at their worst and I don’t know why he is with me, he just holds me and calms me down. He loves me and that is the biggest miracle I could ever be witness to.